A Canadian Hallowe’en

I’m looking like Count Dracula;

my cape is black and sleek.

I have white powder on my face

and fangs to make folks freak.

I have an empty pillowcase

and plan to start out soon,

collecting goodies at each door,

beneath the silver moon.

I know this night’s much better

so I’ll be on my way.

Because October is so cold,

I’m glad that I chose May!

Goldilocks

I really don’t like Goldilocks —

she’s rotten to the core.

She broke into the Three Bears’ house

and broke laws by the score.

She wolfed down someone else’s food —

that’s theft, make no mistake!

And vandalism was her crime

when Baby’s chair did break.

Sleeping in another’s bed

was tasteless and just rude.

No wonder when the bears returned

grumpy was their mood.

I don’t know how that evil child

escaped from those three bears.

She should have been arrested then

and not fled down the stairs.

So Goldilocks is on the loose —

I warn you to beware.

It’s wise to take my good advice —

just ask poor Baby Bear!

Other Things #15 – Poemlet #9

“All At Once”

I love popcorn

and peanuts

and hot dogs and donuts,

and spaghetti with meatballs —

but not all at once.

I love baseball

and football

and hockey and soccer

and riding my skateboard —

but not all at once.

I love Sarah

and Ashley

and Karen and Courtney

and Beth with her blue eyes —

five girls — all at once!

Clocks

If there were no such things as clocks,

my life would sure be great.

I’d never have to worry

cause I never would be late.

Yes, on the way to school,

I’d stop and play a while,

and when I finally got to class,

my teacher would just smile.

I’d never have to fret about

my homework getting done.

I could do it when I liked

which really would be fun.

As for bedtime — what a laugh!

I’d watch TV all night.

As for morning — I’d sleep in

until the sun was bright.

But clocks are here for good, I guess,

a thought I really hate,

cause judging by the time right now

I’m two whole hours late!

If I Were a Thundercloud

If I were a thundercloud

I’d rumble through the night

and scare my little sister pink

because we always fight.

I’d flash my lightning right outside

the window by her bed.

I’d do that several times for all

the rotten things she’s said.

Unfortunately, I’m a boy

so lightening I can’t make,

which means I’m forced to scare her

with a rubber rattle snake!

Other Things #14 – A Night of Danger!

Years ago, I was having my mother, aunt, uncle over for dinner one evening, and naturally, there were several things to do in preparation. Besides making the dinner, I wanted to get the house looking its best because my aunt and uncle were from out-of-town and weren’t over often. I asked my husband if he would wash the floor in the front hall, and one of my jobs was to dust the living room.

I really hate dusting, and as the day went on, the more I thought about dusting, the less I wanted to do it. I then reasoned that it wasn’t vital that I actually did dust because it would be dark when my guests arrived, and having studied dust for some years, I knew that “moderate dust”, which is what I was dealing with, wouldn’t be seen because there would be no sunshine exposing it. That was a happy thought for me as I was making my pie crust, and I decided that I would cross dusting off my job list. I had also decided to do a little something to add to the illusion that the place was spotless.

By the time my mother, Aunt Edith, and Uncle Syd arrived, I was feeling happy and fantastically competent! The pie I’d made was a thing of beauty, and dinner smelled wonderful. The house was in order and everything looked as good as it possibly could, invisible dust and all.

When the doorbell rang, I went to open the door and was stunned by how slippery the linoleum floor in the front hall was, and I wondered what my husband had done to it. It was downright treacherous. I opened the door and immediately told my guests that they needed to be really careful as Nathan had washed the floor and it was extremely slippery. I still remember seeing those three senior citizens inching across that stretch of floor, all of them looking nervous and remarking that indeed it was slippery. My husband was likewise mystified by the condition of the floor, and when the evening drew to an end, once again, Mom, Aunt Edith, and Uncle Syd took their time crossing the dangerous stretch of linoleum.

It wasn’t until later that I realized why the floor was like it was. Because I wanted my company to walk into the house and believe the place was spotless, I had taken my can of Lemon Pledge Polish Spray and generously sprayed the front hall area. I thought the smell of Pledge that would greet my company would create the impression that the house was well-dusted. No doubt I was right about that. However, I am forever grateful that we didn’t have to call an ambulance that evening to pick up one, two, or even three elderly people with broken hips.

Snowman Dan

We built a snowman yesterday

in Brian Bilby’s yard.

We slaved for hours building him —

I’ve never worked so hard!

Dan was the biggest snowman

this town has ever seen,

and once we finished building him,

then Brian got quite mean.

He said that Dan belonged to him,

cause we used all his snow.

Then he said, our time was up —

that Ted and I should go.

Ted and I were good and mad

so vowed that we’d get even.

And then a thought occurred to me,

so I screamed, “Ted – we’re leavin’!”

Then Ted and I stormed out the gate

as Brian smirked at Dan.

What stupid Brian didn’t know

was that I had a plan.

And so today, I’m feeling fine,

and so it good, old Ted.

But you can bet that Brian’s not

cause poor Dan has no head!

How Come?

How come the sky is coloured blue?

How come the grass is green?

How come some people are so tall?

How come some are so mean?

How come a turtle has a shell?

How come a hive has bees?

How come a baby has no teeth?

How come the Earth has trees?

How come the sun stays in the sky?

How come a bird will sing?

How come the ocean is so big?

How come a wasp will sting?

I ask such questions all day long,

wherever I might go.

The answer always is the same —

how come it’s “I don’t know”?

Other Things # 13 – Toilet Paper Again

My first “Other Things” post concerned the toilet paper situation at Costco early in the Covid 19 Pandemic. It was when the “toilet paper panic” was coming to an end because stores, including Costco, were limiting people to one package per trip. I was thrilled because I no longer had to worry about such mundane things as toilet paper. However, a few things have happened recently that have been upsetting, and they concern toilet paper.

About a month ago, I did my Costco run, and it was time for more toilet paper. I picked up my package of 40 rolls, placed it on the cart’s bottom rack and continued on. After the cashier ran my order through and I looked at the bill, I saw the word “Purex”, and for the life of me, I couldn’t think of what that meant, so I immediately concluded that the cashier had made a mistake. I showed the bill to the cashier and said, “What’s that?”

She looked at me and said, “Toilet paper.”

And then came our nice moment — we looked at each other and really laughed. I felt like a twit, but I was happily on my way.

When I got home, my husband got the groceries into the house, and I unloaded them. After a while, it struck me that I didn’t see the package of toilet paper. I went and checked the car to see if my husband had somehow missed the enormous package and with growing dread, I realized he hadn’t. He confirmed that there had been no toilet paper, and I concluded that the Costco employee who had been loading groceries into the cart, after the cashier scanned them, had placed my order into a cart that didn’t have the toilet paper on the bottom rack. Obviously, the Costco employee and I had “gifted” the customer right behind me with my 40 rolls.

I had the thought to drive back to Costco and explain the situation to Customer Service, but then I envisioned the service worker saying to the colleague next to her, “There goes another one lying about toilet paper” as I walked away. I therefore decided to maintain my dignity and forget about it.

On my last Costco trip, I was pleased that I remembered, as I passed the toilet paper/paper towel section, that we needed more paper towels, so I grabbed a huge package. I actually got it into the car, drove it home, and when I opened the package to put the paper towel rolls into cupboards, I discovered that I had grabbed a huge package of toilet paper. Yes indeed, we can always use toilet paper, but I hate this stuff. The rolls are too large to fit into our “in-wall“ dispensers, so we have to have the roll sit by the toilet for a few days until it will fit in. Furthermore, the quality of the paper isn’t great. It’s only two-ply and sort of scratchy like the kind you get in public washrooms.

Well, Dear Readers, I sincerely hope this will be the final toilet paper post I write, and possibly, you feel the same way.