Potty Training

My mother’s trying to potty train

my little brother, Bob,

but when she sits him on the pot,

he will not do the job.

He sits until my mom decides

the time must not be right.

His big boy pants are then pulled up,

which fills him with delight.

It’s after Bob goes off to play

that nature starts to call,

and from the way the boy reacts,

he does not hear at all.

So after just a little bath,

Bob’s on the pot once more,

and my mom sits and watches him —

which is an awful bore.

I know my mom will win this war

though patience will be strained.

She has the right experience,

for I am potty-trained.

The Lemonade Stand

Jamie said that we’d have fun

and make a lot of money.

My sister said our plans were dumb

and laughed and called us funny.

We planned to sell some lemonade

for fifty cents a cup.

My mother helped us made a jug

and things were looking up.

A card table and kitchen chairs

were set up on our lawn.

We talked about the things we’d buy

when lemonade was gone.

Jamie said he’d buy a bike.

I planned to buy a cat,

and as we planned quite happily,

the lemonade just sat.

Finally, a man walked by,

the first to pay the price,

and as he drank the lemonade,

he said it tasted nice.

We told him all about our plans.

He laughed and said, “That’s great!”

He left – we sold a little more.

Our plans were not our fate.

Jamie said that he was bored

and didn’t need a bike.

I knew I didn’t need a cat –

we have a dog named Spike.

The total money that we made,

my mother said was dandy,

and then we went down to the store

and spent it all on candy!

The Worst Valentine’s Day

I knew Jane stole a valentine

to me from Douglas Ryan,

and when I asked her for it back,

that’s when she started lyin’.

She said, “I never touched that thing.

Why would you think I had?”

I knew that she was lying,

so I started getting mad!

“I know you did. You needn’t lie.”

(Her theft I hadn’t seen.)

“The reason that you took that card

is cause you’re jealous green.”

“You’re nuts,” she said, “you’re really nuts!”

while tears rolled down her cheeks,

so then I said, “Doug likes me best,

and you’ve loved him for weeks.”

The kids all took sides, one by one;

soon everyone was mad.

It was the world’s worst day of love

the world has ever had.

So when I got home with my stack

of valentines and stuff,

my mother took one look at me

and knew my day’d been rough.

Still mad about the missing card,

I slumped down in a chair,

and had a little crying jag

beneath my mother’s stare.

She crouched beside me as I cried

and then gave me a hug,

while picking up a valentine,

she softly said, “Who’s Doug?”

This was first posted in 2021 with the title “The Valentine”.

Dating in Grade Two

There is a new girl in our class

who Tommy said he likes.

He talked about her all the time

that we rode on our bikes.

He said that he would ask her out

and asked me what to do.

I told him he was acting dumb

since we’re just in grade two.

So now, today, my friend has said

I gave him great advice,

cause he has now decided that

the new girl’s not that nice.

In fact, he now thinks that he’ll wait

and wants to be like me.

Yes, we’ve decided not to date

until we’re in grade three.

The Christmas Pig

A mean old woman bought a pig

cause pork she liked to eat.

She planned to fatten up the hog

and named the poor pig “Pete”.

Now Pete was not a stupid beast —

he knew what she had planned,

and starring on a menu was

just more than he could stand!

Pete’s pen was right beside her house;

its drainpipe stretched right down,

and each night Pete would dream about

pork baked a golden brown.

Since Christmas Eve was coming soon,

a great escape Pete planned.

He’d climb the drainpipe to the roof

where Santa then would land.

Finally, Christmas Eve arrived;

Pete shimmied to his fate.

He hid behind the chimney praying

Santa wouldn’t be late.

At last, the poor pig heard the sound

of sleigh bells in the sky.

He spotted Rudoph’s shining nose

and watched the reindeer fly.

They landed right beside the pig

who grunted with delight

and greeted Santa with a hug,

then told him of his plight.

Soon Pete clung on to Dancer’s back

and flew through clouds so murky.

All the while, he thanked the stars

that he was not a turkey.

This was first posted in December 2020, and you can expect to see it in December 2023!

Regrets (Contemplating a Letter to Santa)

Last night I just couldn’t get to sleep.

I tossed and turned all night,

cause Santa Claus is coming soon,

which fills me with great fright.

You see, I’ve done some things this year

that now — I sure regret,

and thinking of those things I’ve done

is making me now fret.

I think I’ll write to Santa Claus

and tell him I feel sad

about the rotten things I’ve done

which I know now were bad.

I shouldn’t have said that certain word!

I shouldn’t have tripped those kids!

I shouldn’t have wrecked Mom’s dinner

loos’ning salt and pepper lids.

I shouldn’t have hidden in the shed

to scare my dad and mom,

and putting worms in Ashley’s shoes

was nothing short of dumb.

I shouldn’t have brought my frog to church!

I shouldn’t have set him free!

I shouldn’t have laughed when Freddy

hopped upon that lady’s knee!

I’ll tell St. Nick I’m changing.

I’ll do things folks will like.

I’ll tell him it’s a promise IF —

he’ll just bring me that bike!

This poem was first posted in April 2020. Why I first posted it in April, I’ll never know, but, just for the records, expect to see it next December again.

A Letter to Santa

My sister wrote to Santa Claus

because of things I’ve done.

She thinks I’ll make his “naughty list”.

I think those things were fun.

I squirted her with water

and I scared her really bad.

She said I wasn’t funny

and just got really mad!

And so she wrote her letter,

and mailed it that same day.

She said for all my rotten things,

I’m really going to pay.

She said, “Forget the bike you want

cause coal is what you’ll get.”

I smiled at her and laughed a bit,

then said, “That’s quite the threat!”

Her letter will make Santa laugh!

I know that and here’s why —

he’s sure to think the way I do

cause Santa’s still a guy!

And yet another Christmas repost!

The Christmas Concert

The Christmas concert sure was fun

though Miss Blake’s still upset.

Because so many things went wrong,

she’s not recovered yet.

The truth is Clarence is a pain

so got what he deserved,

and since that evening, Clarence

has been thoroughly unnerved.

Clarence Henry was the star

of Miss Blake’s Christmas play.

She said his acting was “Superb!”

on each rehearsal day.

Yes, Clarence Henry really thought

that he was just so great,

for little did Miss Blake or he

know what would be his fate.

The concert was a big event

and everybody came.

Clarence Henry told us all

his role would bring him fame.

The play would start at eight o’clock;

the hour did arrive,

and still today, I wonder how

old Clarence did survive.

In the centre of the stage

he stood and all was still.

The sight of all those happy folks

sure seemed to make him ill.

Clarence Henry smiled a bit

and then his eyes just rolled,

and then in front of everyone

poor Clarence seemed to fold.

He fell into the Christmas tree

which fell on top of Meg,

who started screaming frantically,

“I think it broke my leg!”

A bunch of girls began to scream,

and some girls even cried.

Because poor Clarence lay so still,

they thought that he had died.

Backstage there was a billy goat

we’d borrowed for the play.

The beast was tied securely

and just munching on some hay.

While the girls were screaming

and poor Clarence lay onstage,

suddenly, that goat was freed

which started his rampage.

They want to know who freed that goat

which was the final straw

in ending that fiasco,

but I’m certain — NO ONE SAW!

Eventually, it all worked out

and Clarence sure was right.

Just like our star predicted —

he’s been famous since that night!

This poem was originally published in 2001, in my book, The New Toe – Poems To Tickle Your Funnybone, and I repost it at Christmas time on this blog.

Our Kitten Climbed the Christmas Tree

Our kitten climbed the Christmas tree,

and then he just went mad,

batting lights and ornaments.

That kitten sure was bad!

He chewed some tinsel, ruining it,

but we couldn’t reach the brat,

and so his rampage just went on

while Mom kept screaming, “Scat!”

Soon he reached the angel’s branch,

the topper on our tree,

and he ripped her halo off —

and both her wings with glee!

Eventually, he climbed right down

and bolted from the room.

The tree was a disaster

and filled us all with gloom.

So then we cleaned up all the mess,

and all of us were mad,

but with his great big wagging tail,

our dog looked really glad.

This was first posted in December 2021. (Expect to see it again in December 2023!)

The Riot at the North Pole

The elves were working overtime

and all were getting tense,

and that’s the reason all of them

just seemed to lose all sense.

It’s hard to say what lit the spark

that made the elves explode,

but all lost tempers, all at once,

and angry words just flowed.

Tim called Bob a little jerk,

and Bob called Tim a twit.

Jimmy got so furious,

he threw a great big fit.

Mary Beth began to cry,

and then yanked Sally’s hair.

Sally screamed so loudly that

she gave the elves a scare.

Willy grabbed a can of paint

and dumped it on a head,

and cause he’d done a terrible thing,

he then was filled with dread.

All the elves were yelling lots,

and toys were flung about,

along with chocolate cookies —

then came a mighty shout!

“Stop you elves! You’ve lost your minds!

Just look around this shop!

All your work will soon be lost!

The fighting must now stop!”

The voice belonged to Santa Claus

who was indeed so sad

to see the elves behave this way

for elves were seldom mad.

Suddenly, the elves just stopped

and looked around the room.

The shop was a disaster

and filled them all with gloom.

“I’m sorry,” said the biggest elf,

and hung his head in shame.

Soon all the elves said sorry too

cause they all shared the blame.

They then began to hug and cry

while Santa stood and smiled,

and once they’d cleaned up all the shop,

then off to bed they filed.

Don’t work too hard at Christmastime —

remember what is best.

Give all the hugs and smiles you can,

and people will feel blessed.

This was first posted in December 2021.