Cards With Fred

Last night my parents tucked me in

and said no monster hid

in my closet or my drawers,

and so “Good night” they bid.

As I settled down to sleep,

I thought I heard a sound.

T’was down beneath my double bed —

I froze first — then I frowned.

My closet and my drawers were safe,

but what about my bed?

Shortly after I thought that,

I met the monster, Fred.

Fred was big and hairy too.

He had some warts and claws,

and as you can imagine,

to see him made me pause.

“Hey, Kid,” he said, “don’t be afraid.

I can’t help how I look.

Most monsters are the nicest guys,

unlike those in a book.”

He had a deck of card with him,

and so we played a while.

Fred really was the greatest guy,

and he could make me smile.

He told some jokes and we sure laughed,

and then I went to sleep.

After that, I must assume,

Fred, from my room, did creep.

I told my folks about the night

and said what fun I’d had.

I said my monster’s name was Fred,

and he sure made me glad.

My folks said I’d just had a dream

and I thought, “What the heck!”

And I believed them up until

I found Fred Monster’s deck!

The Trampoline

Dennis had a trampoline

which really was a shame,

and maybe, when I think of it,

his parents were to blame.

They knew their boy was quite a brat

and reckless as could be,

so giving him a trampoline

was dumb — you must agree.

Of course, the boy jumped far too high

and landed on a roof,

and Dennis thought this wonderful

because the boy’s a goof.

Of course, he saw the chimney there

and so climbed right inside,

and dropped into the fireplace

where Dennis soon was spied.

Naturally, the police were called,

and Dennis went to jail.

Naturally, to get him out,

his parents posted bail.

Of course, his folks were quite upset

as any folks would be.

They took away the trampoline.

Good move — you must agree.

Because the boy was still so young,

the charges soon were dropped,

and cause there was no trampoline,

his crime spree had been stopped.

But cause his folks love Dennis lots,

not wanting to be mean,

they bought their boy a great big drone

since he can’t trampoline.

Canadian Spring

It’s snowing really hard right now,

this twenty-fourth of May,

and cause the weather is so bad,

outside I just can’t play.

I should be on my bike right now

or fishing at the lake.

This rotten snow storm really is

just more than I can take.

I should be playing baseball

or swimming at the pool,

but I can’t do my favourite things

cause Mother Nature’s cruel.

My parents couldn’t be happier —

they welcome every flake!

They’re playing cards and eating chips

cause they can’t weed or rake!

That Word

Our parrot, Polly, says a word

I’m not allowed to say,

and when she does, it’s plain to see,

it ruins my parents’ day.

When Polly says that nasty word,

it causes Mom to shriek,

”You really are a rotten bird!

I ought to glue your beak!”

When Polly says that filthy word,

in front of dear old Dad,

his face will turn the darkest red

because he’s boiling mad.

My parents say that Polly got

that word from our TV.

What they don’t know is that she

learned that dirty word from me!

This poem was originally published in 2001 in my poetry book, The New Toe: Poems To Tickle Your Funnybone

Rumours

I’ve heard a lot of rumours

bout people at my school.

My mom says, “Don’t believe them

cause rumours often fool.”

I’ve heard that Jenny Matthews

studies through the night,

and that’s the only reason

she always gets things right.

I’ve heard that Peter Temple

thinks that he can fly,

and, I mean, without a plane

up into the sky.

I’ve even heard Miss Andrews,

who teaches at our school,

used to be a movie star —

and that’s why she’s so cool.

I could go on for hours

about the things I’ve heard,

but my mom keeps on saying,

”Don’t believe a word!”

Who makes up all these rumours?

I haven’t got a clue,

but it would be exciting

if all of them were true!

I Hate Hiccups

One day, after gulping down

a big tuna fish sandwich,

I got the hiccups.

Hiccup! Hiccup!

I hate hiccups!

”Breathe into this bag,”

my mother said,

so I did.

I breathed,

and breathed,

and breathed.

No hiccups!

Obviously, I’d trapped them

in the bag.

I threw the bag into the garbage,

but then – hiccup! Hiccup!

I hate hiccups!

“BOO!” screamed my brother.

”AAAHHHH!” I yelled.

No hiccups!

Hey! My stupid brother scared them

out of me,

but then — hiccup! Hiccup!

I hate hiccups!

”Hold your breath,” my sister said,

so I did.

I held it,

and held it,

and held it.

WHOOOSSSSHHHH.

I couldn’t hold it any longer.

No hiccups!

I’d suffocated them,

but then — hiccup! Hiccup!

I hate hiccups!

”Okay,” said my dad,

”I’ll pay you $5.00

for your next hiccup!”

I stared at him — astonished.

I waited,

and prayed,

and waited,

and prayed,

and waited,

and prayed,

for a whole hour!

No hiccups!

I REALLY hate hiccups!

Ten Pounds

My mother said she lost ten pounds,

while standing at the mirror,

and then I saw, despite her smile,

there slid a great big tear.

I thought, “Poor Mom, I’ll help her search;

those pounds must be around.”

And though I looked just everywhere,

nothing could be found.

To tell the truth, I wasn’t sure

exactly what I’d see,

but if I found them, I would know

cause ten of them they’d be!

Donny’s Donuts

Donny sure loved donuts.

In fact, that’s all he’d eat.

He would not eat his veggies.

He would not eat his meat!

He would not eat an apple.

He would not eat a pear.

He would not eat a pickle,

not even on a dare.

No, all he’d eat was donuts,

chocolate stuffed with cream,

or butterscotch with sprinkles,

or one he called “The Dream”!

You’d think this boy would suffer

from eating all that fat,

from eating all that sugar

and nothing more than that.

But Donny was protected

and would not need a nurse

because that donut-eating boy

just lives inside this verse!

The Tooth Fairy

The Tooth Fairy impresses me

with all that she can do.

How she can keep track of our teeth —

I haven’t got a clue.

But more than this, I wonder how

she sneaks up to my bed

and, in a twinkling, takes my tooth

from right beneath my head.

The biggest mystery of them all

is this — you must agree —

what does she do with all those teeth

that she has bought from me?