The Riot at the North Pole

The elves were working overtime

and all were getting tense,

and that’s the reason all of them

just seemed to lose all sense.

It’s hard to say what lit the spark

that made the elves explode,

but all lost tempers, all at once,

and angry words just flowed.

Tim called Bob a little jerk,

and Bob called Tim a twit.

Jimmy got so furious,

he threw a great big fit.

Mary Beth began to cry,

and then yanked Sally’s hair.

Sally screamed so loudly that

she gave the elves a scare.

Willy grabbed a can of paint

and dumped it on a head,

and cause he’d done a terrible thing,

he then was filled with dread.

All the elves were yelling lots,

and toys were flung about,

along with chocolate cookies —

then came a mighty shout!

“Stop you elves! You’ve lost your minds!

Just look around this shop!

All your work will soon be lost!

The fighting must now stop!”

The voice belonged to Santa Claus

who was indeed so sad

to see the elves behave this way

for elves were seldom mad.

Suddenly, the elves just stopped

and looked around the room.

The shop was a disaster

and filled them all with gloom.

“I’m sorry,” said the biggest elf,

and hung his head in shame.

Soon all the elves said sorry too

cause they all shared the blame.

They then began to hug and cry

while Santa stood and smiled,

and once they’d cleaned up all the shop,

then off to bed they filed.

Don’t work too hard at Christmastime —

remember what is best.

Give all the hugs and smiles you can,

and people will feel blessed.

The Christmas Concert

The Christmas concert sure was fun

though Miss Blake’s still upset.

Because so many things went wrong,

she’s not recovered yet.

The truth is Clarence is a pain

so got what he deserved,

and since that evening, Clarence

has been thoroughly unnerved.

Clarence Henry was the star

of Miss Blake’s Christmas play.

She said his acting was “Superb!”

on each rehearsal day.

Yes, Clarence Henry really thought

that he was just so great,

for little did Miss Blake or he

know what would be his fate.

The concert was a big event

and everybody came.

Clarence Henry told us all

his role would bring him fame.

The play would start at eight o’clock;

the hour did arrive,

and still today, I wonder how

old Clarence did survive.

In the centre of the stage

he stood and all was still.

The sight of all those happy folks

sure seemed to make him ill.

Clarence Henry smiled a bit

and then his eyes just rolled,

and then in front of everyone

poor Clarence seemed to fold.

He fell into the Christmas tree

which fell on top of Meg,

who started screaming frantically,

“I think it broke my leg!”

A bunch of girls began to scream,

and some girls even cried.

Because poor Clarence lay so still,

they thought that he had died.

Backstage there was a billy goat

we’d borrowed for the play.

The beast was tied securely

and just munching on some hay.

While the girls were screaming

and poor Clarence lay onstage,

suddenly, that goat was freed

which started his rampage.

They want to know who freed that goat

which was the final straw

in ending that fiasco,

but I’m certain — NO ONE SAW!

Eventually, it all worked out

and Clarence sure was right.

Just like our star predicted —

he’s been famous since that night!

This poem was originally published in 2001, in my book, The New Toe – poems to tickle your funnybone, and then again last December on this blog.

Our Kitten Climbed the Christmas Tree

Our kitten climbed the Christmas tree,

and then he just went mad,

batting lights and ornaments.

That kitten sure was bad!

He chewed some tinsel, ruining it,

but we couldn’t reach the brat,

and so his rampage just went on

while Mom kept screaming, “Scat!”

Soon he reached the angel’s branch,

the topper on our tree,

and he ripped her halo off —

and both her wings with glee!

Eventually, he climbed right down

and bolted from the room.

The tree was a disaster

and filled us all with gloom.

So then we cleaned up all the mess,

and all of us were mad,

but with his great big wagging tail,

our dog looked really glad.

The Letter To Santa

My sister wrote to Santa Claus

because of things I’ve done.

She thinks I’ll make his “naughty list”.

I think those things were fun.

I squirted her with water

and I scared her really bad.

She said I wasn’t funny

and just got really mad!

And so she wrote her letter,

and mailed it that same day.

She said for all my rotten things,

I’m really going to pay.

She said, “Forget the bike you want

cause coal is what you’ll get.”

I smiled at her and laughed a bit,

then said, “That’s quite the threat!”

Her letter will make Santa laugh!

I know that and here’s why —

he’s sure to think the way I do

cause Santa’s still a guy!

The Dentist

I’m going to the dentist

which kind of makes me ill.

I’m worried that he’ll find a tooth

that he thinks he should fill.

Mom says I shouldn’t worry

cause I have had no pain,

but I can’t stop that dental drill

from buzzing in my brain.

If I don’t get a filling,

I’m going to brush much more,

and floss for several minutes

though flossing is a bore.

If I don’t get a filling,

that really will be dandy,

and all the proof that I will need

to keep on eating candy!

Vegetables

I have a problem with my mom

at every evening meal.

She says I must eat vegetables

no matter how I feel.

I tell her celery makes me feel

my hair is made of string,

and that spinach, beans, and corn

make my toenails sting.

Potatoes make my left ear itch,

tomatoes make me sleep,

turnips make me nervous,

and broccoli makes me weep.

Mom says that I’m just whining

and trying to get my way,

and if I don’t eat vegetables,

well, she won’t let me play!

Then yesterday at school,

I started feeling sick,

and for some reason, I just craved

a great big carrot stick!

Popping Popcorn

Popcorn’s an exciting treat

and popping it is quite a feat.

Kernels in the popper go,

where heating them is rather slow.

But then –

KABOOM!

KABANG!

KAPOW!

I watch the kernels and think ”Wow!”

Their transformation is a sight

from hard and gold

to soft and white.

I then eat popcorn really fast

cause making more is such a blast!

My Homer

I really should have studied

for this test today,

but what I did instead of that

was go outside and play.

I thought I’d play a short while,

and then I’d read my book,

and so I went down to the park

to have a little look.

The guys were playing baseball

and so I joined the game,

and then I hit a home run!

My home run is to blame!

That homer is the reason

my test I just forgot.

I really had been planning

to study quite a lot.

My home run was impressive,

and all the guys did say,

“That homer was a monster hit”,

so I just had to stay.

It was the greatest feeling

cause most guys struck right out.

I was the coolest guy last night —

there really was no doubt.

But now today I’m sweating

and really have no clue,

concerning photosynthesis

or what plant life can do.

I know my folks will lecture

when they see my grade,

and thinking of my home run now,

I’m still glad that I played!

Green

Ashley is the strangest kid

that you have ever seen.

The reason is the girl’s obsession

with the colour green.

Her socks and shoes and all her clothes

are green as green can be.

When looking at her books and pens,

yes, green is all you see.

Her pillows, sheets, her bedspread too,

her rug, her desk, her blind,

they are the greenest greeny green

that you will ever find.

It makes me nervous all this green!

It worries me at night!

For I am Ashley’s little dog,

and so far, I’m still white.

This poem was first published in 2001 in The New Toe: Poems To Tickle Your Funnybone.