A Letter to Santa

My sister wrote to Santa Claus

because of things I’ve done.

She thinks I’ll make his “naughty list”.

I think those things were fun.

I squirted her with water

and I scared her really bad.

She said I wasn’t funny

and just got really mad!

And so she wrote her letter,

and mailed it that same day.

She said for all my rotten things,

I’m really going to pay.

She said, “Forget the bike you want

cause coal is what you’ll get.”

I smiled at her and laughed a bit,

then said, “That’s quite the threat!”

Her letter will make Santa laugh!

I know that and here’s why —

he’s sure to think the way I do

cause Santa’s still a guy!

And yet another Christmas repost!

The Christmas Concert

The Christmas concert sure was fun

though Miss Blake’s still upset.

Because so many things went wrong,

she’s not recovered yet.

The truth is Clarence is a pain

so got what he deserved,

and since that evening, Clarence

has been thoroughly unnerved.

Clarence Henry was the star

of Miss Blake’s Christmas play.

She said his acting was “Superb!”

on each rehearsal day.

Yes, Clarence Henry really thought

that he was just so great,

for little did Miss Blake or he

know what would be his fate.

The concert was a big event

and everybody came.

Clarence Henry told us all

his role would bring him fame.

The play would start at eight o’clock;

the hour did arrive,

and still today, I wonder how

old Clarence did survive.

In the centre of the stage

he stood and all was still.

The sight of all those happy folks

sure seemed to make him ill.

Clarence Henry smiled a bit

and then his eyes just rolled,

and then in front of everyone

poor Clarence seemed to fold.

He fell into the Christmas tree

which fell on top of Meg,

who started screaming frantically,

“I think it broke my leg!”

A bunch of girls began to scream,

and some girls even cried.

Because poor Clarence lay so still,

they thought that he had died.

Backstage there was a billy goat

we’d borrowed for the play.

The beast was tied securely

and just munching on some hay.

While the girls were screaming

and poor Clarence lay onstage,

suddenly, that goat was freed

which started his rampage.

They want to know who freed that goat

which was the final straw

in ending that fiasco,

but I’m certain — NO ONE SAW!

Eventually, it all worked out

and Clarence sure was right.

Just like our star predicted —

he’s been famous since that night!

This poem was originally published in 2001, in my book, The New Toe – Poems To Tickle Your Funnybone, and I repost it at Christmas time on this blog.

Our Kitten Climbed the Christmas Tree

Our kitten climbed the Christmas tree,

and then he just went mad,

batting lights and ornaments.

That kitten sure was bad!

He chewed some tinsel, ruining it,

but we couldn’t reach the brat,

and so his rampage just went on

while Mom kept screaming, “Scat!”

Soon he reached the angel’s branch,

the topper on our tree,

and he ripped her halo off —

and both her wings with glee!

Eventually, he climbed right down

and bolted from the room.

The tree was a disaster

and filled us all with gloom.

So then we cleaned up all the mess,

and all of us were mad,

but with his great big wagging tail,

our dog looked really glad.

This was first posted in December 2021. (Expect to see it again in December 2023!)

The Riot at the North Pole

The elves were working overtime

and all were getting tense,

and that’s the reason all of them

just seemed to lose all sense.

It’s hard to say what lit the spark

that made the elves explode,

but all lost tempers, all at once,

and angry words just flowed.

Tim called Bob a little jerk,

and Bob called Tim a twit.

Jimmy got so furious,

he threw a great big fit.

Mary Beth began to cry,

and then yanked Sally’s hair.

Sally screamed so loudly that

she gave the elves a scare.

Willy grabbed a can of paint

and dumped it on a head,

and cause he’d done a terrible thing,

he then was filled with dread.

All the elves were yelling lots,

and toys were flung about,

along with chocolate cookies —

then came a mighty shout!

“Stop you elves! You’ve lost your minds!

Just look around this shop!

All your work will soon be lost!

The fighting must now stop!”

The voice belonged to Santa Claus

who was indeed so sad

to see the elves behave this way

for elves were seldom mad.

Suddenly, the elves just stopped

and looked around the room.

The shop was a disaster

and filled them all with gloom.

“I’m sorry,” said the biggest elf,

and hung his head in shame.

Soon all the elves said sorry too

cause they all shared the blame.

They then began to hug and cry

while Santa stood and smiled,

and once they’d cleaned up all the shop,

then off to bed they filed.

Don’t work too hard at Christmastime —

remember what is best.

Give all the hugs and smiles you can,

and people will feel blessed.

This was first posted in December 2021.


We have a dog named Polkadot.

For short, we call him Dotty.

The reason that we call him that

is cause he’s really spotty.

Dotty loves to chase our cat,

so then we yell out “DOTTY!”

He doesn’t stop, but chases more

because that dog is naughty!

He likes to chew our socks and shoes,

and once he ate a pie,

cause Mom had left it within reach

and he’s a naughty guy.

But even though he does those things

that make my family mad,

he sure can be the sweetest dog

and make us feel so glad.

And that’s because if we feel sick,

he’ll cuddle us all day

until the illness disappears —

yes, at our side, he’ll stay.

He is the kindest little nurse

whenever we feel crappy,

and cause he will not leave our side,

our cat is also happy!

The Painful Lesson

I wrote a story in Grade 3;

Mom said she loved my work.

My brother Danny read it too,

and it just made him smirk.

Later, when we were alone,

he said it was plain dumb,

but I didn’t believe him

and that was cause of Mom.

When cleaning out my room today,

my story reappeared,

and today, I’m in Grade 4 —

I’ve grown another year!

I read my story, every word,

and couldn’t put it down,

and when I finished reading it,

all I could do was frown.

It was about some goblins

who opened up a store,

and then they just decided

to go and fight a war.

They fought the war for three years —

then suddenly, they won,

and then they started dancing!

The story was then done.

The story is confusing

and really makes no sense.

The more I thought about it,

the more I just got tense.

The thing the story taught me

is last year I was dumb,

and that my brother Danny

is smarter than my mom!

My Brother Ate a Worm Last Night

My brother ate a worm last night

which really made me cry.

I thought because he ate that worm

that he would surely die.

And if he died, I knew for sure

that I would be to blame,

cause when he said he’d eat a worm

I really mocked his claim.

I said, “There’s no way, Chicken Boy,

I know you’d be too scared!”

“I’m not a chicken!” Tommy said,

and then he really glared.

And then he started digging dirt

and said, “I’ll find one here.

You think that I’m a Chicken Boy,

but see — I have no fear!”

“Don’t be dumb,” I said right then.

“A worm will make you die!”

But now he was determined,

and I began to cry.

And then, he found a great big worm

and brushed off all the dirt.

He said, “See, I’m no Chicken Boy,

and this won’t even hurt!”

So then, in one gulp, it was gone,

and I let out a scream,

but Tommy now just danced around

and his eyes did gleam.

Suddenly, my brother dropped

and then lay on the ground.

I knew, at once, that he was dead!

I sobbed and looked around.

I cried some more as Tommy lay

because I was to blame,

and all the guilt that I then felt

filled me full of shame!

But soon, I noticed Tommy’s smile

which meant he wasn’t dead,

and since my brother scared me so,

“I’ll get you!” I then said.

And now I’m planning what I’ll do

to make my brother pay.

A garter snake will be involved

and that’s all I will say.

I Really Love Potato Chips

I really love potato chips.

I love them with all kinds of dips.

Garlic, dill, and cheesy cheese

are assured to always please.

On cereal, I’ll drop some chips

(and when I do, my mother flips).

At lunch, the rippled chip is best —

it holds more dip I do attest.

At dinner, chips go well with meat

and veggie dishes — they complete!

Yes, chips are great with every meal.

There is no end to their appeal.

I love to hear the chips go crunch,

as the chips I gaily munch,

but cause of chips, what’s not so great,

is now I have to lose some weight!

Food Play

Billy liked his Cheerios.

He liked to put them in neat rows.

His spaghetti, he would loop,

around his fork with lots of goop.

He’d pitch a grape which then would drop

into his mouth and loudly plop.

With mashed potatoes he would play,

moulding shapes like they were clay.

Yes, food, he thought, was just plain fun,

as he juggled one last bun,

and so for Christmas, this dear boy,

asked for Jello — not a toy!

“The Mohawk”

My brother got a mohawk,

and that kid sure looks dumb.

He went and got a haircut,

his first time without Mom.

And so he got a mohawk —

he thought it would be cool,

but now he has his mohawk

and feels just like a fool.

My mom is really angry

cause Bobby looks so dumb.

He knows he’s been a moron,

and so he’s really glum.

Mom says she’ll shave his mohawk,

and you can bet on that,

so Bob will be the bald kid

who always wears a hat.